PondJumper ad nauseum ~ The Life of a Hopeless Romantic

12:20PM

Last night it was brought up that I am slightly too idealistic. That's perfectly true, I am. Then I really surprised myself with the answer as to why.

I truly believe that the best people in life are those disenchanted with the world but keep trying as much as they can anyway. To do that, there needs to be a glimmer of hope in the world. I grasp that glimmer and believe in it with all my heart. I'm not going to do anything great, but those around me, those who need that reassurance and belief to do wonderful things, will have that in me.

I don't really want to enact change... but I want to enable it. That's the role in life I choose.

What about agency in life? Am I taking a backseat to the world again? No I don't think so. Inspiring people to do what they want to and to do it as well as they possibly can, that's active.

Although... people will perceive it as passive. This has been a reoccuring theme in my time here. It's true that when I got here I was all mixed up, but that's resolving itself. I don't know if friends of mine, alpha males in particular, will ever understand my approach to life, but such is life. I need to learn to deal with that with grace.

I want to learn to live my life with grace.

9:55AM

No no no no no, I don't want to go to class, it's -2... MINUS 2!!!

A funny comment was made on Tuesday, Justin asked what's the dykiest state I have ever lived in? I was all prepared to answer Pennsylvania, but Jim jumped in and said "Which ever state she's living in."

That was amusing.. it makes me smile.

Now that I've expressed this... I need to get dressed so I can go out in -2 weather!

1:15AM

So I realized something this weekend which explains many things: I'm lost. I don't know how I fit into the world any more. My place is transitional and ungrounded. The reason for this is an amagamation of factors, not just one person or thing.

I'm not ready to make new roots or find new groundstones, I'm perfectly happy with those I have, they just aren't here. If I stayed here I would find more, I know I would but as for right now... The social setting that I'm in, the people that I hang out with, are all so very different from the people I consider my foundations. This is good, it really is, it just leaves me floating a bit.

I was told I'm like Eyeore from Winnie the Pooh, I just kinda take life. It's been a long time since I was Eyeore. I think those people are right and they are wrong. I do tend just to take life, to live it vicariously through other people. I do have to try to stop doing that, it's not helping. BUT on the other hand, just because I don't actively bend life to my will does not mean I don't enjoy it. Right now, I'm not taking a super active role in life because I want to see where it takes me. I don't want to make decisions, I want to be open to possibilities. This does make me a more passive personality, but right now, I'm ok with that because i don't know how i fit in the world.

This is definately a less confident position that I am in now then I have been in the past. Yes, my sadder side is coming out. However, in a way, I am enjoying this change. I am enjoying life in Chicago.

We'll see how it goes.

7:19AM

I'm taking a short break from revising my thesis proposal. I'm meeting with my professor today to see if he'll be my reader. It will be nice if he is, a slight weight off my shoulders.

It's so freakin' cold here... Walking around in -6 degrees Fahrenheit isn't really fun.

I wish I did more work over the weekend, then I would be able to sleep a bit more but as it stands, I did not. Now I'm not sleeping... Stupid really.

Sometimes days just don't start out well.

9:57AM

I am scared. I am so scared about fucking up. That this quarter will be like last quarter where I completely crumble at the end. I have no idea what I'm doing. I have little direction. I don't know what to do with my interests.

I'm trying so hard to actually do something, but I feel like I'm failing again and again.

I was blindsided by boy last night... He purposefully humiliated me to get out of a conversation and to take his anger out on someone(s). I don't know what to say to that. He's apologized... sincerely although with plenty of assitude in there. I have nothing to say to him right now. Maybe this evening I will? I just don't know.

All this is no fun... I hope my fear will save me in some perverse way...

12:27AM

Ha ha! Cool! I suppose so!

How evil are you?

That explains this then...

Dear Santa... Dear Santa, This year I've been busy! Last Thursday I helped awesomeeva hide a body (-173 points). Last month I signed my organ donor card (28 points). In May I turned flyakate in for eating carbs (3 points). Last Monday I gave ancalemon a wet willie, then I took it back (-5 points). In July I had a shoot-out with rival gang lords on the 5 near LA (-76 points). Overall, I've been naughty (-223 points). For Christmas I deserve a lump of coal! Sincerely, pondjumper

Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username:

:)

11:09AM

I came across a really interesting meme that was born in Patroclus' blog. (A vastly interesting blog to read, I recommend it). She made an alphabetical list of everything she had learned from her boyfriends. Well... as we all know my love life is simply too complicated to actually *have* boyfriends, but there have been 2 significant guys in the past few years, so here's the COMPLETE, UNABRIDGED, and ALPHABETICAL list of what I have learned from them so far:

Beer, Baseball, Comics, Football, Hockey, Indie Music, Chuck Palahnuik, Speaking at the top of my lungs (still working on that), Rock Music, Kurt Vonnegut, Wendy's Chili

Hm... I suppose I learned to be a guy from them!? I guess someone has to teach me. :) There are some good things on there...

Emotionally, both of them try/tried to teach me that I should trust myself and let go... We'll see how that goes!

So what are your lists? What did your significant others teach you?

6:50PM

I'm doing this because if I do work I will kill myself I think...

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?


So, here's how it works:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie

Opening Credits:
Start Wearing Purple ~ Gogol Bordello
(YES!!! A wonderful way to start my movie... this promises to be a good movie!)

Waking up:
Dream On ~ Aerosmith
(HA HA! Of course...)

First Day at Highschool:
The Ballad of Michael Valentine ~ The Killers
(Hm... a budding high school romance?? Is he the one I fall irrevokably in love with?)

Falling In Love:
Betina ~ David & the Citizens
(Well obviously my heterosexual love didn't work out because my true love is Betina!)

Fight Song:
Wishin' and Washin' ~ Stroke 9
(So very passive agressive... I guess that fits. I fight with words and plans, not fists!)

Breaking Up:
Stay (I Missed You) ~ Lisa Loeb
(Wow, Betina you broke my heart... How appropriate)

Prom:
Superman's Dead ~ Our Lady Peace
(Oh man... I wish. I love this song. My innocent view of the world is crushed on Prom night apparently... My idyllic view of Michael Valentine must have altered that night.)

Life:
Loveology ~ Regina Spektor
(Oh how lovely. I don't think I could have picked a better song. Obviously even though my life has had its share of heartbreak, really I am an incurable humanist.)

Mental Breakdown:
Send in the Clowns Reprise ~ A Little Night Music
(Well if it was a cracked out version of this song I can see it. I suppose if you equate clowns with signs of mental illness it works... but in the context of the musical um... it's sad that i have a mental breakdown when i finally get together with the love of my life. Maybe that's why I do. OH MY GOD I'M A CRAZY ROMANTIC! MY ROMANTICISM MAKES ME INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!)

Driving:
Bittersweet Symphony ~ The Verve
(Yeah it's a good tune to drive to)

Flashback:
One Thing ~ Finger 11
(It fits with the heartbreak theme of my life... or maybe just my music)

Getting Back Together:
It Would Have Been Wonderful ~ A Little Night Music
(Apparently I didn't want to get back together with Betina but I couldn't help it, she' perfection.)

Wedding:
Mr. Brightside Remix ~ The Killers
(HAHAHAHA! You know that's going to be my wedding song! The topic is not too good for a wedding song, but what can I say, Betina and I have a very tumultous relationship. But we keep coming back, that's the point.)

Birth of Child:
Under Pressure ~ David Bowie and Queen
(Yes, completely, I concur)

Final Battle:
Harder to Breathe ~ Maroon 5
(I suppose I die...)

Death Scene:
Mad Season ~ Matchbox Twenty
(I think it's appropriate... I feel stupid but i know it won't last for long... Actually I'm liking hte idea of this as my death song)

Funeral Song:
Sweet Child of Mine ~ Guns 'n Roses
(Oh my god, how sweet! I feel loved! Betina, I knew we were soulmates...)

End Credits:
Maps - The Yeah Yeah Yeahs
(A good song to go out on)

A good soundtrack
I'm a fan!

2:59AM

This entry is for my friends. I need you to read this and remind me when I'm being an idiot. It's also so that I have this in writing and hopefully I will remember what I think now.

I'm pretty sure that in his mind there is this distiction between friend and fuck buddy.

As a fuck buddy I am neither here nor there. He does not care about me that way. I'm available and I'm willing, that's all he needs.

As a friend I am important. He does care about me that way. This is the more meaningful relationship. It's more important to conserve the friendship than the fuck buddiness.

Such is life, one day I will find someone who will commit to both... at least that is the hope, the romantic ideal...

7:31PM

Christmas Survey... YAY! (Stolen from Alex)

1. Eggnog or Hot Chocolate? Hm... this is a tough one... Eggnog plain but peppermint hot chocolate.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Santa really only leaves presents in my stocking.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? White all the way, except on the teeny tiny tree in my sister and my part of the house that we sometimes decorate and sometimes don't. (We don't really care about that one.)

4. Do you hang mistletoe? No... my mom forgot it in the fridge one christmas.

5. When do you put your decorations up? Around the 15th of December, or I like to think.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Brussel sprouts and chestnuts all the way!!!!

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child: When I couldn't sleep and I swear I heard raindeer bells. That and the christmas trees... Oh and the fact that my mother used to overload the tree with red balls (seriously there was more red than green some years). Now she just does it with lights and makes the tree glow.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? One year I just accepted it, but really I still like to think he's there.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Yep... it's even gotten more complicated, now everyone gives a gift and receives one too!

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? White lights, glass balls, and traditional ornaments. My mom has moved from red balls to blue, white, silver, gold, and red balls.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

12. Can you ice skate? Well... I really suck at it. My ankles turn in. I prefer watching it.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? When my family came to Egypt to celebrate christmas with me. :-D

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Celebrating it with my family and carrying out little traditions even in unfamiliar environments.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Pumpkin Pie!!!!!!!!!!!!!

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? The Ble de Ste. Barbe, followed by the advent calender.

17. What tops your tree? The BEAUTIFUL African American angel my mom bought at Casey's late one December night. Otherwise, it's an intricate origami star my dad made (I think).

18. Which do you prefer giving or Receiving? Being there to see and do both.

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? Depends on my mood... there are too many!

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum??? DELICIOUS and so fun!

10:09AM

Ah... the state of giddy anxiety... how I have missed you.

Today is:
Opening Night
Midterm due date

I also have set up a meeting to for tomorrow to volunteer at the zooarchaeology lab. Mayhaps the start of a new career? A better MA topic? Boredom? Who knows...

Apparently I am 1) one of the only people old enough in my cast to drink and 2) in a cast of many non-drinkers. Damn... Oh well, not actually a problem :)

I guess I have to face my midterm now... I'm having a problem and I don't know if they will like the way I solve it...

And the bulleted type entry ends here.

1:45PM

Too good to pass up!

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

I'm feeling better than last week. Amazing what a weekend of sleep and no drama will do to one's mindset.

This week the rock opera opens. YAY! It'll be good. The worst has already happened. Yesterday when I was dead on the floor, a large heavy wooden cube rolled into my head. I now have a bump as though i ran into a door. Stupid immature zombies... I don't like them very much... but they're ok sometimes i suppose.

Happy Belated Lantern Night! This Dark Blue class is no where near as cool as the last one. ;)

Ok, enough classist snobbery, I really should go work on my midterm. Damn you Marx for being on it!

8:02PM - Why Leaving Bryn Mawr Sucks

Despite what I will say later on in this entry, some things never change. I really should be reading but I'm not. :)

So... My take on Why Leaving Bryn Mawr Sucks

My anthropologist soul will not be satisfied unless I put a disclaimer at the beginning of this entry: my hormonal levels are wacky at the moment, hence an outpouring of emotion. I do love Chicago, I'm just in an adjustment period that is difficult.

So why is it so difficult at the moment to adjust? Well, actually it's like the adjustment that I went through when I was in Egypt for a semester, so in a way, I have experienced this before, with one major difference: I can't return to Bryn Mawr.

Bryn Mawr in this sense, for this entry, in my mind, is more than just a place and a series of habits: it is a sense of being. For four years I shaped myself in the Bryn Mawr community. I defined who I was and am through the specific parameters of Bryn Mawr. That is to say, not only did my experiences there shape me, but being there gave me something to shape to. I understand and love myself through Bryn Mawr.

Now I'm out. This is more than 3 months in the summer or a year for JYA, this is me in the world outside of the parameters I grew to love. There are new parameters now. The assumptions about people that were so prevailent for four years are no longer there. I now have to prove who I am instead of just being, like I could before. I need to show the world that my likes, dislikes, and actions are valid. I need to prove that I have a voice that needs to be listened to because I am a person and everyone needs to be heard.

No longer can I assume that my pop culture obsession and my love of girlie things will be taken as amusing frosting on a more complex person. Some people only see the frosting and never the depth beneath.

True, I had to do this as a freshman, but I was still discovering myself then. Now I want to keep who I am, I don't want to change to fit the new mold. I will, a little I know because that is what life is, but I don't want to lose the Bryn Mawr touch.

At the moment, I don't know how to reconcile the two. Eventually I'll find out but right now... I don't know.

I think it's time to become a more outspoken feminist. Actually, now it's time to become a voice that will not be ignored. People will listen to me, I will learn how to make them listen.

9:22AM

Quick post before I head to class. I think I may elaborate later. Anyway...

It's difficult being a practicing romantic. I see why people don't do it... Never before in my life have I been so tempted to give up romanticism.
BUT
If I sell out, won't I regret it?

6:12PM

So it is a bit scheist-y of me to post a meme for the first post in about six months.

Well there is a reason for a shortage of posts, namely I was horribly scarred by finding out that someone reads my journal. I think he may but I'm not sure and it's JUST WRONG!!

Anyway, I'm in Chicago now and it's AMAZING! I love it. My program is pretty cool and I have found that socializing is fun! Basically I have a good balance between pubs and work now... :) I think the type of work I am doing right now is encapsulated best with the choice I have this weekend: do I want to start on my Marx or my Foucault reading first? Oh the life of theory...

I also got cast in a rock opera. It's a teeny tiny part but fun nonetheless!

Perhaps I will elaborate later, but I can't promise anything.

On to the meme!

The first five people to respond to this post, will get some form of art, by me, about them. I make no guarantees about quality or type, but I will assure that I will give it good effort and that the art will be individual to you, so if you get a mixed CD, a dirty limerick, some sort of painting , or perhaps some origami, or anything else yours is the only one like it.
The only catch, of course; as with most memes, if you sign up, you have to put this in your own journal as well.

5:34PM

( Two email I have sent about my time in Jordan... :-D )
Real life update: I just feel out of my chair in the internet cafe. That's twice in 4 days that I have fallen out of the sitting position. The first time was when I was pretending to be a girl with no arms on a swing. You actually *do* fall out of the swing if you don't have arms to catch yourself! Who knew?? ;)

9:19PM

Sorry to those who this email was actually sent to!

My summer has been pretty nice so far, and I haven't even gotten to the good part yet! This past weekend I went to Copenhagen. Actually I accompanied my dad partway on his way to Vasjo, Sweden. We decided to stop off in Copenhagen. I'm glad we did because about 30 minutes outside of Copenhagen is Elsinore (yes the setting of Hamlet)! Practically every person on this list is in someway interested in Shakespeare, and if you don't really care about Shakespeare you care about old stuff ;).

If you want photos to accompany the witty (HA!) description of the trip you can either look on facebook or at http://www.flickr.com/photos/pondjumper/
(once on flickr click on the sets, they're in order)

The photos are the same as are the comments so you don't need to see both. It took me a long time to upload those suckers but I think some of them are attractive. I wish I could take artist photos though!

Anyway, back to the trip...

Copenhagen is a lovely city! "Cute" and "Baltic Medival/Renaissance power and architecture" are two phrases that come to mind. It's built around many little harbors and has an extremely long pedetrian walkway in the center of the city. The first day I was really there it was grey and drizzly, but the second day when I went to Elsinor it was beautiful. I think I got a sunburn, but as we all know that is not hard at all.

The Danes are wonderful! When you are talking to them they answer every statement with "yes". It's to show that they understand what you are talking about more than agreement, but it's nice to hear "yes" all the time. Although the French really are wonderfully nice and friendly deep down, I don't think I would ever say they seem to have a positive outlook on life. :-)

The theme of this trip was "Literary Reknown" since Hans Christian Andersen was Danish and Copenhagen is the site of many Hans Christian Andersen references. Not only is there the Little Mermaid statue, but also a statue of him in the square with the Rathaus and the theater where his ballets were performed (at least in the musical!). That damned musical... the entire weekend I was humming "Wonderful wonderful Copenhagen." Also, the main tourist agency is called Wonderful Copenhagen so they certainly know why they're famous!

The trip was cool because I got to fulfill all my interests through museums. On the first day I went to the ruins underneath the Christiansborg Castle (profession), the Theater Museum (passion other than profession), and the Worker's Museum (political) in succession. I was tired by the end of the day (around 4 pm)!

The most astounding thing I saw was a surprise parade! My dad and I were walking towards the center of the city before he had to leave for Sweden when we began to hear drums. We walking into this large square and there 30-40 different drum corps and dancers. The drums corps and the dancers were dressed in very flamboyant costumes that were a hybrid between traditional Danish dress and Caribbean flare with a bit of Las Vegas thrown in for fun. It was amazing! Although it was cold, everyone looked like they were loving it. As we left the square, the parade started on its route down the pedestrian city. I love coming across unexpected parades.

The next day I went on a day trip to Elsinor. You can bet I saw every available part of that castle, including the Maritime Museum, but that was more because I didn't have to pay for it. My favorite part were casements. If I understand their function correctly, they were general storage and servant areas on the top floor and prison cells underneath. The prison cells were pitch black and went from a wide entrance to a sharp point and they were extremely cold. I am glad I have never gotten caught by 16th century Danish troops!

The castle also had a chapel (duh! what castle doesn't have one?). It was brightly decorated with lots of vibrant colors and shinny gold. It also had very provocative angels... Otherwise, it was pretty normal. I also visited the royal apartments of Christian and his wife Sophia (who was AWESOME). Although the queen rocked, the furniture was pretty standard 16th century opulance, not my cup of tea. I did like the architectural details like the ceilings though. The one cool thing was a tapestry with a peacock and camels. I like seeing European fascinations with "the Orient". There was also a set of tapestries about the Persians, although Cyrus hardly looked Persian at all.

When I got back to Copenhagen after Elsinor my last touristy visit was to the Round Tower. That is the coolest tower I have ever been up because it doesn't have any stairs! Well, it has one flight of stairs right at the end to get to the roof, but otherwise people walked up the ramp. It definately wasn't the tallest structure I have ever been in, but it is the most unique tower! (so far...)

When I wasn't sightseeing, I was scrounging Danish TV for English language programs. It was much more successful than previous attempts in Germany and France. I saw part 1 of Russell T. Davis's Casanova with David Tennant! For those of you who do not watch the new Doctor Who, David Tennant played Bertie Crouch, Jr. in Harry Potter 4. I have wanted to see this for a long time! So YAY! (Sorry, that was a very uninteresting paragraph)

Anyway, tomorrow I leave for Jordan. Paris has been wonderful but cold. I haven't done much here except put together an archaeological kit. Tomorrow I will carry a small pickaxe across international boarders... I'm strangely excited to do so. I have learned that line levels (levels you hang on a horizontal string) are non-existant in France. Quite a few hours went into this discovery.

When I'm in Jordan, I will have internet access. There are 2 internet cafes in the city/town I'm staying in so I hope to hear from you all! I'll certainly be writing more emails and if you send an address I can try to get off my lazy butt and write a postcard or two. I'm not promising anything, but I can be optimistic. :-D

6:05PM

( Doctor Who 2006 spoilers )

In other news, there will be a long, Long, LONG post about Copenhagen soon!

3:33PM

My dear, wonderful, amazingly intelligent, probing, slightly truly evil friend Becky came up with a very emotionally complex survey which I filled out. It was a traumatic experience. You may fill it out if you so desire, but you don't have to. Here are my answers:

#1 said...
You wanna play? Let's play...

1. What is your name?
Irrelevant... You know me as #1.

2. How old are you?
How old do you want me to be?

3. Do you know me from Adam?
I do. In fact, were you not once his son?

4. How can you tell the difference between me and Adam?
Adam was dumb and tried to be pure. You are clever, witty and intellegent with only a facade of purity.

5. If you could truthfully change your answer to 1, 2, or 3, which would you pick and what would you like to change it to?
2 - I would like it be wittier.

6. Name three people that you love, just the first that come to mind:
I don't love

7. Now three more:
See above

8. Who didn't you list that you should have? Is there anyone you'd like to, but can't? Say something cryptic about them.
Why are you prying?

9. Name one thing that fascinates you about each of these people.
I suppose I can answer this one, but about the questions. These questions fascinate me because if I loved, which at the moment I don't, they would force me to assign a hierarchy on my friends, family, and aquiantances. A hierarchy which is none of your business and one that constantly shift. Of course I have this hierarchy, but it is fluid and writing it makes it much more permenant than it should ever be. Your mind fascinates me because of course *you* would ask this. I am not going to oblige.

10. And something that irritates you...
Well the above paragraph was filled with irritation which is fascinating as well.

11. Name three people you really dislike:
AGAIN with the hierarchies!

12. Anybody you'd like to name that you can't mention publicly? Say something cryptic about them.
Too many loopholes... So many outs...

13. Tell me something you admire about each of the dislike people. Yes, you have to. Why doesn't that override the dislike?
Lack of respect will always cause me to dislike you. Nothing usually can override it except time and my own shifting maturity.

14. What is your favorite color? Do you know why?
Green. It's cheerful and the color of leaves which creates shade.

15. What is something about yourself that you secretly think is pretty sexy?
The fact that I smile

16. What is something about yourself that you secretly worry is pretty repulsive?
Once again... why should I reveal the chinks in my facade?

17. What is something about me that you secretly think is pretty sexy? Or at least attractive? ;)
The way you think...

18. I'm not gonna ask the opposite. Instead, tell me a memory you have involving music.
My life is made up of separate soundtracks each corresponding to period of my life when I listened to it. The opening bars of Camelot's I Know What the King is Doing Tonight takes me back to 5th grade.

19. Imagine yourself married. Do you see someone you know as your spouse, or someone imaginary? Do you like this fantasy? Does it discomfort you?
Why base this fantasy in something as paragmatic as marriage? Yes, I will marry someday and I will love him. Until then, I can be a famous movie star's hot, sexy girlfriend or fling. It's much more fun and the moviestar/character is much more sexy.

20. Tell me a story about a time when you were truly frightened.
When I was tear gassed in the Metro.

21. What's something you wish you knew how to do, but don't?
Successfully flirt, but I may be better at it than I think...

22. What are you most likely to be famous for?
Knowing someone famous

23. What do you think influences your daily life the most: your parents' financial situation or their relationship to each other?
They are intertwinned and my parents taught me it's rude to discuss money.

24. Do you have a religious or spiritual outlook? Where did you get it? What about it do you think is particularly engaging?
I do. It's highly scientific and that comforts me.

25. Do you like to dance? When did you last dance?
I do. Monday night.

26. Who is the first person you remember being sexually attracted to?
:-D

27. Describe the last person that caught your eye in a crowd (in a good way).
Do you think I pay attention to other people?

28. Describe the last person that caught your eye in a crowd (in a bad way).
Really, why am I thinking about them?

29. How do you feel when faced with a homeless person soliciting money? What is your emotional reaction? What thoughts go through your head?
Go to Egypt and then ask this question.

30. Are these questions difficult? What would you like to ask me in retaliation?
Yes these questions are difficult. You should take this survey and not lie. Then see what you put me through.

31. If you were going to name your child after a literary character, who would it be and why?
Darcy. It's the sexy moviestar thing.

32. What's the last book you read? What did you think of it?
Hot Shot by Susan Elizabeth Phillips. It fills an emotional void I was not aware was empty at the time.

33. What is your favorite fruit?
Cherries...

34. Tell me a story about one of your cousins.
My favorite cousin was a very drooly baby, it was impressive.

35. Who is a person you still wince when you think about? It can be for any reason.
Not a person, but a squirrel with an ugly rat tail. I can't deal with it.

36. Is there anything that is consistently irresistable to you? Can you imagine a situation in which you would not find this attractive?
The fantasy of the possibility a hot romance novel relationship. Just the fantasy, not the actuallity. Maybe if I do get one the attractiveness of the fantasy will fade but I doubt it.

37. Tell me a secret. It can be a current one, or an old one, but at some point the secretiveness of this should have mattered to you.
On a public blog? You have to be shitting me. You go too far.

38. If you could erase one of your own memories, would you? Why or why not?
That would erase part of who I am and I quite like myself. Thanks.

39. What about one of somebody else's?
Anything that makes them cringe when thinking about me. I can know my defects, others don't have to.

40. Describe a beautiful landscape that you have seen. Or a beautiful sky.
It wasn't that beautiful... but one night the sunset was a very vivid orange and red and it was cloudly so the dark clouds were superimposed on the sunset. I commented on it and my dad said that it looked like a burning city. I was confused for a moment why my father would know what a burning city looked like. Then I remembered, I never forgot since then that my father lived through WWII.

41. Do you like eggs?
Love them but not in an omelet. Omelets and sometimes quiches are unappealing to me in a surprisingly strong way.

42. How many of your answers were true?
They all contain truth.

This survey brought up a lot of questions and now I'm really interested in why I answered what I did. So here's the truth behind the answers... I guess I'm taking the mystery out of it, but I have never been good with mystery.

The only answer I blatantly lied on was about naming people who you love. I do love, I love a lot. I love many people in many ways but I don't like to talk about why I love them. That is an intensly personal question. Asking me to name who I love makes me have to examine who I am confortable admitting in a semi-public journal who I love and who I am not ok with writing about. This isn't even about sexual/romantic love, if that were the case, I would put it. No, it's the complex layers of friendship love that are deeply personal and very private. It's just easier to lie about the answer to that question.

As for the list of people I dislike... There are people, but it's also personal. My dislike has nothing to do with anyone nor should it color your view of the world. Besides, admitting dislike colors the world negatively. It only creates bad feelings. Sometimes it is necessary to air these feelings, sometimes it is necessary to talk about these things, but on a survey just because someone asked you to, it's not.

That is also why I did not answer what annoys me about my friends (well that and the fact that I didn't answer it). You choose your friends and hopefully you choose them understanding who they are. That means that they do things that you don't like, they even disappoint you sometimes. The little irratations should not matter. There is no point. That's what unconditional love is and that's how I feel about the people who I would be talking about. You have to learn to live with their irritations and love them because of them. (This is very Good Will Hunting)

My frustration and fascination about this survey is completely true.

It is also untrue that I don't notice other people in crowds, I do. I like to people watch, but I always relate it back to me. I constantly judge the world around me in comparison to what I would do. For some reason, I rarely remember what I was thinking when I was people watching.

The personal anecdote that holds the most meaning is the one about the sky. The second is the music.

The most interesting thing that this survey revealed is why I made a good Ian in Professor Dilexi. I did not realize before now that I too have a yearning to be surrounded my magic like Ian. I want to be able to fantasize about the world. I do not necessarily want to participate in my fantasy, but I want to believe it's real or I can. Ian never understood that he didn't want to be part of the fantasy, he thought he did and then was disappointed when it didn't work out. I don't think many people in my cast understood this aspect of Ian. For me it was something I understood but could not put into words until now.

As usual, Becky has managed to bring truths to the light. :-D

3:40PM

( Thesis news - a possible Honor Code no no )